Thursday, March 27, 2014

am I?

time passes, I've grown a little more... I wanna believe I've matured a little more, but that's not for me to say..

at times I wanna get angry, but I don't think I should...

there's no point in me getting angry, or writing snide remarks about certain issues... anger never solved anything, it aggravates...

though I remain silent about certain few issues, I do believe some parties are being childish...

I'm guilty of acting childish too, why deny it, we're all childish at one time or another about one issue or some other...

I wanna believe I'm a little more mature now... or perhaps I've just grown numb to my surroundings, I do not know...

my decision to keep my opinions to myself might seem nonchalant, that's not exactly true...

life's a classroom, we're always learning new things... one of the new things I've learned is that it's better to avoid arguments, even if you think you're right...

I keep my opinions to myself, 'cause some of the things I believe won't go well with others...
I won't risk conflict with others...

it's better that I keep my opinions to myself to maintain peace...

I wanna believe I'm a little more mature now...
am I a little more mature now?..

Friday, August 23, 2013

the inevitable...

racial tolerance?..
racial stability?..
from a lay persons' view, there's racial-instability...

nothing seems to be going right... everything's racially charged...

coming from a multi-racial background, it's sad to see all the racial stability that once existed in this country (Malaysia) slowly diminish...

I understand where each ethnic group is coming from...
I can see why each ethnic group is displeased with the current "status quo"...

there really is no win-win situation if things remain the way they are...

time for change, YES!.. but the change that has happened is only fuelling disdain amongst the numerous ethnic groups...
some feel like they're shortchanged, they feel like they're treated unfairly despite their contribution to the nation's economy... they feel they've been taken for granted, and now they're making their stand...
some feel as if their birth-rights are being threatened, that they've been oppressed financially, deprived economically... the product of decades of complacency, decades of a sense of entitlements...

the majority have began to behave as if they're the minority... tension is growing...

I just pray whatever change is coming, and change is always just around the corner, some form of racial stability and harmony (though like momentary) will arise from it...

'till then, I'll just wait and see...

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Irrationally Angry...

sometimes I get frustrated and angry at the smallest of things...

today's one such day... am feeling a lil agitated 'cause I screwed up the timing for a show...

the sad thing is that it (the sense of agitation) is spilling over into other unrelated facets of my life...

at the moment, I'm ignoring the notification sounds on my mobile... I know better than to check and reply messages when I'm not in the right mood... I wouldn't wanna say something I'll regret just 'cause I'm angry about missing the show I wanted to watch (and I so wanted to watch it)...

pretty silly, I know...

I wanna write something more... substantial, but my anger flares up time to time, so I suppose writing something "substantial" is out of the question...

the best thing to do when you're frustrated/angry/agitated is to take time to cool-off...
try avoiding contact, that works for me...
though if the friends of mine who've messaged me come across this blog-entry, I apologise guys, I'm just not in the right mood to be messaging... I know you understand, thanks for being understanding...

I keep telling myself, "just close your eyes, take deep breaths, and let the anger melt and dissipate"

I guess I should just try to hit the sack... once I'm asleep the anger will definitely slip away...

Saturday, April 20, 2013

... gloomy....

once again I find myself feeling disconnected...

unintentional I'm sure, but I felt belittled...
made to feel insignificant, to feel like I do not matter...

perhaps I had vexed someone the wrong way...

I suppose my mind wasn't in the right frame to begin with...

a little resentment on my part with how I was treated, but I have negated it...
still I feel gloomy, dejected, bereaved...
but that is expected, for are we not creatures of social-connection?..
to feel left out, pushed into isolation... my feelings now are normal then...

I'm tired of holding grudges, tired of feeling that I've been wronged...
tired to think of all the unjust done to me...
tired of keeping scores...
tired of...

I'm just tired of wasting my energy for those who do not appreciate me...

Saturday, April 13, 2013

outlook...

life goes on, regardless of how you feel...

we've all had that moment we feel like shit...
I've been feeling that way for the past few days...

I know why, I actually know the cause of it...
but it's so hard to stop it...

life's no that simple, it's not an add-subtract equation...
you can't just stop doing something, there are other factors that complicate it...
so you struggle to find a way to stop it, without stopping the action that generated the conflict...

what I find most helpful though, in such a situation, is a positive attitude...
people might think you're crazy maintaining a positive outlook for what they perceive to be a bleak situation...
smile, whatever the problems you're facing are...
positivity is infectious, and it's viral effects aren't just within a person, it is able to affect others around us too...

so I feel like crap, I ain't got time to mope about it...
instead of keeping it in, I shared my problems to the person closest to me, to the person I trust my innermost, darkest secrets...
it alleviated the psychological burden I was feeling...
I'm a lil more cheerful, a lil more positive today... and I believe I've figured what I need to do, to stop a problem, and hopefully repair any damage it had caused...

life went on during the duration I felt like crap... and when I felt that way, every facet of life seemed crappy...
so I remind myself, minimise feeling "crappy", 'cause I wanna enjoy as much as life for as much time as I have left...

life will always go on, and I need to make the best that life has to offer...

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

essence of [ relationship | life | existence ]


"communication is the essence of our relationship"

sounds simple eh?..
believe you me, it's not that simple...

I find it easier to Tweet or blog about my opinions, my ideas, and to some extent my feelings (vague as feelings are to describe in writing)...
forget profound communication, I find it difficult to even hold simple conversations with people...
small talk ain't that easy for me...

we're social creatures, and each of us yearns to be communicate, and by communicate here I'm talking about two-way communication...

"we want to be seen, heard, and known for who we are, to have our accomplishments celebrated and our suffering comforted... when we look more closely, we find that we have an equal need to see, hear, and know others for who they are, to celebrate their joy and empathise with their pain"

sad it is then to admit that our upbringing, the extended environment we're raised in, instills paranoia and destroys our sense of trust, even amongst family members...
we, social creatures, are forced into isolation...

many of us never form meaningful relationships in our lifetime...

so we know the problem... we do not communicate enough...
or at least, we do not have enough meaningful communication....

I dislike the fact that I have problems communicating face-to-face...
and I can't have an intimate and meaningful communication online, written, composed...
there are limitations to what written forms of communications can convey, before the message and the feelings and emotions associated with it gets distorted...

I'm working on it... I'm learning how to be comfortable communicating face-to-face...
like I said, it's not easy... but I realise that the two most crucial variables affecting my ability to communicate face-to-face are mindset (psychological) and attitude (holistic)...
in changing the two, I realise that I naturally tend to smile more to people, and as a result people tend to initiate small-talk with me...

communication, it isn't just the essence of our relationships, it's also the essence of our very lives and existence...

Thursday, April 4, 2013

of randomly rambling...

what do you write when you feel like writing?..
you can feel the ideas are overflowing at the brim, but ideas aren't tangible...
I can feel inspiration surging, but I cannot seem to find the words for it...

SURREAL!

so, I thought to myself, "why not write about the process of organising my thoughts trying to write something..."
... and that's how I got started on this blog entry...

I wanna blame it on writers-block, but to be honest, the inspiration surging through me now is more emotion-based...
emotions are very hard to put into words, as you know...
so while I'm desperately trying to find the words to accurately depict them, I understand the futility of that endeavour...
but none the less, I shall try... hopefully somewhere in the process of composing this entry I'll figure an expression to depict them...

okay, let me explain what triggered this surge of emotional inspiration...

"loneliness"

I'm not joking...
the book I'm currently reading is titled "loneliness"...
it's not a "self-help" book, it's actually classified under psychology... it discusses the difference between "being alone" and "feeling lonely"... it talks about how feeling lonely is normal, but how the feeling of loneliness is meant to be a warning siren to get us to initiate acts of socialisation...
there's so much to this book, and I relate to what's written in it...
I admit that for most of my life, and to some extent I still feel lonely, despite being surrounded by individuals who love me, and individuals whom I love...

there's an altruistic feel to this book...
the author, to me at least, successfully touched something in me, and made me accept the fact that I am lonely, and that the only way for me end this cycle of loneliness is to force myself to socialise and connect with people...
the book states that the cure for loneliness is a Catch-22...
lonely individuals tend to recluse themselves from social-events... the more lonely you are, the more prone you are to isolating yourself...

I've been forcing myself to smile more to strangers, to try and have small talks with strangers, and (this is the hardest) to actually confess to the person I love of my insecurities, my fears, and my desires...

I must say the results are phenomenal...

I feel happier at my core...
I feel more energetic...
I sleep better...

my insecurities seem to have vanished...
my fears seem so irrational now, unreal...
my desires, my dream, they seem within my grasp...

so... looking at what I ended up writing here, I believe this "inspiration" I feel surging through me is part of the process of discovering myself, aligning my self-image with how I'm perceived by others, reconciling any differences that might exist, and consolidating myself into a whole-person...

I guess you can say I'm overjoyed at the fact that the pieces of me are coming together, at last!..
soon, I pray, I'll no longer be fragments of a person, but a whole, a complete me...